holding back with Puccini

Although i'm a lieder chambermusic haendel an mozart interpreter because of my voicetype i do like to venture out into the Verismo domain now and then.Did sing Mimi at the Flanders Festival a couple of years ago or Liu for that matter ,one of my better vocal endeavours.Ah i'v already reached the Puccini domain!The night is deep and dark and emotional and there is plenty of room for sentiment.I'm in a Puccini mood here,not exactly mine.Sentiment is not my thing ,yet i'm intrigued ,intrigued by the way this composer arranged the anxiousness or should i say agony of a woman who has loved a man had his baby belongs to a different culture and still dreams a soft focus kind of dream about him coming back,the man she loves.Un bel di ,one beautiful day indeed he will come back with a bloody wife,take her child from her and leave her in despair and in the company of her own death .Soap an Sentiment Galore!!And yet ,when i start attacking the first notes pianissimo wih strong breath support I can only give into the long lines and ignore my cynical comments that i added into the original italian text in english.Stuff like, dream on lass or when she imagines the boat and its smoking chimney on the horizon of the blue sea ,smoke in your eyes you mean..And then the worst: her holding back trying not to show him,when the fcker finally arrives ,how much she loves him and not even saying anything just bloody smile at him.This holding back: very japanese maybe,but also very irish.It's a culture thing that does not work that well in Holland where in the end i come from.So i'm sitting on the triplets of Puccini wholly appreciating the way he uses rythm in his agonylines ,learning to hold back,that way.Learning to be that woman in earnest sentiment,enjoying Puccini as a composer and a man who must have understood a thing or two about women and what makes them weak.Is she weak this Butterfly ,still a light Butterfly after giving birth , or is she strong because consistent in her love?Even in her despair she has the strenght to think of teasing her man a little .That's what her plan is anyway,for when he comes,she will wait for him with the roundests soaring high notes her sopranovoice can produce.This all goes well beyond sentiment ,this is becoming the earth itself .Sitting here it's sort of hard to think there will be a tomorrow in which again i will have to attempt to be a woman and a singer,a writer and a fool.Maybe i should join the circus .Or am i there already orbiting like an acrobate in space